


black butterflies and déjà vu

by nct127



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Band Fic, Break Up, Eventual Smut, First Meetings, Heartbreak, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Post-Break Up, References to Depression, Smoking, Underage Drinking, Unhealthy Relationships, Will update tags as I update
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-20 14:15:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30006153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nct127/pseuds/nct127
Summary: Jeno Lee would be the first to admit that maybe he was just a bit pathetic, and he’d stop anyone who’d give him a pitiful smile and tried to insist he wasn’t.Being in love with Renjun Huang, the lead singer of their band and the person who had probably saved his life at eighteen, for the past ten years was pitiful. Even more so considering the fact that Renjun had been in a serious relationship for the past eight years.Shitty pop-punk, way too many tattoos and piercings to count, and comforting Renjun every other day when he and his boyfriend got into yet another fight. Jeno Lee was pathetic, but at least he could say he’d never run out of songwriting material.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno, Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin
Comments: 14
Kudos: 48





	1. I've Got Troubled Thoughts (And The Self-Esteem To Match)

**_November 2010_ **

If Jeno had to be completely honest, a part of him wished that the world truly did end in 2012. Whether by a massive volcano eruption or a giant meteor hitting the earth, Jeno had no preference. No matter what it was, he was just happy to have something to look forward to. Because Lee Jeno would be the first to admit that his life fucking sucked.

His apartment sucks. It’s a studio apartment that he shares with a shitty roommate in a shady part of town. It was infested with so many mice that Jeno almost considers asking Stuart Little and company to pay for their share of the rent if they want to keep showing up in his apartment.

His family sucks. They kicked him out of their lives as soon as he turned eighteen. Even if they hadn’t kicked him out, Jeno thinks he still would’ve found a way to move out as soon as he can. Maybe it’s the angsty emo teenager in him. Maybe he’s been listening to far too much shitty pop-punk or had  _ Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge _ on repeat for maybe a little too long. Whatever it is, Jeno just knows that his family sucks, and Jeno would rather rot away under a bridge than crawl back to them and listen to their nonstop bigoted comments over and over again.

His job sucks. He was a cashier at some local grocery store who gets yelled at by his manager and older customers alike. They got mad if he didn’t flip his septum piercing up or wear hoodies in the middle of summer to cover up the few tattoos he had that covered his arms. 

So Jeno believes he has the right to be somewhat of a Debby downer about his life. Wallowing away in his apartment, listening to  _ Therapy _ by All Time Low for the fiftieth time that night with Chuck E Cheese listening along with him.

But Lee Jeno is also the first to say that  _ maybe _ things could be worse. At least he had his band and the local gigs they’d play to look forward to after he got off his weekend shift. Even though, like most things in his life, their band had been laughably bad. Jeno was certain Mark Hoppus would’ve spat in their faces if he had to sit down and watch them play their shitty cover of  _ What’s My Age Again? _

His bandmates were tolerable. Jeno couldn’t say he was best friends with any of them, but none of them were getting into fights during the rehearsals they had once a week _ — _ Which Jeno attributes to be one of the many reasons why they sucked so bad. But none of them cared enough about the band’s chemistry to really want to see each other more than twice a week. So Jeno sticks around, despite the shitty music they put out.

It’s how he finds himself sitting at a bar on a Saturday night, covered in a thin layer of sweat, waiting for the rest of his bandmates to finish loading their equipment back into their drummer’s van. Jeno was glad he had won the vicious game of rock, paper, scissors and didn’t need to help the others and instead got to sit at the bar sipping at a red bull. If there hadn’t been a giant ‘X’ written in sharpie on the back of his wrist indicating he was under the age of twenty-one, Jeno would’ve tried slipping the bartender his fake ID for the cheapest alcoholic drink they served.

“Hey.”

Jeno frowned as he turned his head to the side, catching sight of the owner of the voice. Even though it had been a Saturday night, the bar had been mostly empty, besides the couple of regulars Jeno had gotten to know the names of. Dozens of places to sit, yet the stranger had chosen to sit next to him. At least he was cute.

“Hi.” Jeno plainly replied, biting down on his straw as his eyes scanned the person next to him. Jeno knew right away he couldn’t have been any older than himself, yet the Stella he cradled in his hand said otherwise. He must’ve used a fake ID, but Jeno wasn’t one to snitch, especially over a crime he’d been guilty of on multiple occasions.

“I saw your band playing,” The stranger sighed, raising the glass bottle to his lips and taking a swig of the alcohol. Jeno huffed out in jealousy, sipping at his red bull as he waited for the stranger to finish his sentence. 

“You guys are shit.”

It takes a couple of seconds for the stranger’s words to process in Jeno’s brain. 

It’s not like Jeno hadn’t known his band sucked. He knew they did and came to terms with it very quickly. He just didn’t need to hear it from a stranger in the middle of an empty bar.

“Thanks.” 

It’s all Jeno says, and he expects the stranger to turn around and leave him right after. Maybe he was just some douchebag that just had to say everything he thought, even if no one around cared. Maybe it was some dare by a couple of his friends at the same bar. Whatever it was, Jeno didn’t have the heart to care. It didn’t matter to him anyway.

But the stranger never gets up from the stool next to him. Instead, he stared at Jeno, his eyebrows furrowed as he takes another swig from his beer before speaking again. “I just don’t understand why you’re with them. You fucking killed it.”

Jeno’s left confused. Letting out a pathetic laugh as he crosses his arms over his chest, looking at the stranger in disbelief. “Are you fucking with me? Do I need wait for another ‘ _ sike!’ _ Moment?”

“No, no sike moment this time. And I’m not fucking with you. I think you’re a great guitarist. I don’t understand why you’re with such a shitty band. It’s wasted potential.” The stranger sighed before extending one of his hands out for Jeno to shake. “Renjun.”

Renjun. At least the stranger had a name now.

“Jeno,” He replied, reaching his hand out to accept Renjun’s handshake. “No other bands are in need of a guitarist. I would rather have something than nothing.”

“I think today’s your lucky day then,” Renjun grinned. “My band’s in need of a guitarist, and I think you would make a great fit.”

-

**_Ten Years Later_ **

“Don’t leave the bunks.”

The curtain to his bunk was roughly pulled aside, and Jeno groaned at the harsh light that entered his otherwise dark living space. The LED lights that lined the inside of his bunk and the light coming from the screen of his phone and laptop were nothing compared to the bright, yellow lights that illuminated the rest of the tour bus.

“Why?” Jeno groaned, his hands slipping under his glasses to rub at his tired eyes.

“They’re fighting again,” Yangyang’s voice was exasperated, harsh, but quiet. Jeno could still barely see him through the bright lights his eyes slowly adjusted to. Still, he’s become far too familiar with the annoyed expression on his face whenever Renjun and Jaemin found themselves in an argument that Jeno could picture it in his head. “I walked to the front of the bus to grab my charger, and they were both  _ pissed _ . They glared at me as soon as I walked in. I’m guessing they’re keeping quiet for Jisung’s sake, but it’s ten in the fucking morning! What the fuck is there to fight about?”

Jeno’s glad the world didn’t end in 2012 like he initially hoped it did.

It only took one band practice with Cupid’s Grenade for Jeno to call his former bandmates and quit. One band practice to change his life trajectory and change everything in his life for the better. Making music he and thousands of others actually enjoyed, getting to travel outside his shitty little hometown, quitting his terrible supermarket job because making music raked in enough for him to sustain himself and move out of his shitty apartment, finally finding a family with his members and their loyal staff.

It takes one band practice for Jeno to fall in love for the first time. To make him realize that love was real and wasn’t just something his parents would say to each other every morning with blank faces, or wasn’t something made up to be broadcasted on thousands of screens in shows and movies. Love was real, and Huang Renjun is proof of that.

Maybe love is a strong word. Jeno just knows that his infatuation with Renjun begins the second Renjun leaves him at the bar, his number messily written on the back of Jeno’s hand. He leaves him with a wink, a slight sway in his hips as he walks away and back to the table he initially had been sat at.

It carried on to the first time Jeno met the rest of the band. There’s instant chemistry between him and all the members. Jisung was only sixteen, shy, quiet, but Jeno doesn’t think he’s ever seen someone so silently enthusiastic about music. His long, black hair bouncing with him as his fingers moved expertly along his bass guitar. Jeno saw him mouthing along to the lyrics Renjun was singing and the gummy smile that never left when they finished a song.

Yangyang is his age, only a couple of months younger, and the exact opposite of Jisung. He’s loud, extroverted. He’d crack jokes from behind his drum set every couple of minutes, keeping the band alive despite the exhaustion that settled into their bones as they worked their way through the list of songs they would usually cover. He was extremely easy to get along with, and Jeno thought he talked more to Yangyang during their first band practice than he ever had with any of his former bandmates in all the months they were together.

Renjun is older than him, but only by a month. The bar’s lighting hadn’t done Renjun any justice because it’s only then when Jeno realized how insanely beautiful Renjun actually was. His hair choppy and long, almost as dark as the eyeliner in his waterline. There’s a couple of piercings lining his right ear and one just below his left eye. He bounced with Jisung, smiling just as wide as him, as he sang each note with no trouble. Jeno couldn’t keep his eyes off him; his infectious laughs that intertwined with the lyrics he sang made Jeno giggle along, causing Jeno to miss a few notes as he played.

Jeno knew that he was fucked from that moment on, and his assumption was only proven true as their relationship bloomed and their band began to take off. The late nights in the studio, the first few tours where they had to sleep in the backseat of a van all squashed up next to each other, the tears they shared when reviews for their first album began to roll out, the adventures they went on when exploring foreign countries they were in for tours.

But if there’s something Jeno learns from the televised versions of love, it’s that love projected onto screens is unattainable. That an idealistic love is a mass-produced idea created by companies to give their audiences a false sense of hope that maybe one day they too could find themselves in their own romance film and get their own happy ending.

A relationship with Renjun was and is unattainable. Jeno accepted that years ago when Renjun’s relationship with Jaemin began to get serious. Even though Jeno couldn’t say Renjun and Jaemin’s relationship was necessarily healthy, he didn’t have the heart to break them up for his own selfish desires.

“They’re probably just finishing what they started last night.” Jeno could hear Jaemin and Renjun’s voices in the back of his head, silently shouting at each other as they walked down the corridor that led them backstage after they had finished their last song. All four of them were still covered in sweat, high from the adrenaline of the show, but quickly crashing down as Jaemin and Renjun’s argument only grew louder. Neither of them cared about the looks any of the venue’s staff gave them. Yangyang looked peeved, and Jisung was frustrated. Jeno still felt bad for him, having to listen to his brother and bandmate fight constantly and ruining what was supposed to be the euphoric aftermath of a show.

“Renjun just needs to break up with him at this point. All Jaemin does is start shit with Renjun, and then Renjun gets in a bad mood which then leads to all of us getting into shit moods. Because Jisung has to deal with his brother and boyfriend fighting, you have to deal with the love of your life being upset, and I just get annoyed having to listen to them fight. Why’d Renjun even bring him on tour in the first place if all they’re going to do is fight?” Yangyang huffed out, leaning against the ledge of Jeno’s bunk.

“Don’t talk about Jaemin like that,” Jeno sighed out, his hand patting through his blanket to try and find the pack of cigarettes he had thrown to the side last night. “He’s a good guy. You’re just biased.”

Jeno means it. Aside from the fights he and the rest of the band had to listen to on a daily occurrence, Jaemin  _ was _ a good person. Jeno finds it hard to hate him, even if he’s dating the guy he loves, and they get into fights all the time. He’s the type of guy who always rounded up his bills so that the spare change would go to charity. The guy who’d buy you something if you forgot your wallet and never pressured you into paying him back. The guy who always remembered your name and favorite color the first time you mentioned it. The guy who always paid attention to what you’re saying and made sure everyone else was doing the same.

Jeno can’t say he’s particularly close to Jaemin. But he knows he’s not evil, and while his relationship with Renjun brings out the ugly side of both of them, it didn’t make him a bad person entirely.

“I don’t get it. You’re in love with Renjun, yet always defend the guy who’s hurting him. We both know he deserves better than the shit Jaemin puts him through.” Yangyang scoffed, pushing himself away from the bunk.

“Yeah, well,” Jeno’s hand finally found the small box that was hidden in sheets, pocketing it into his hoodie and sitting up in his bunk as much as he could without hitting his head on the bunk above him. “I’m not defending him and their fighting. I just don’t think he’s entirely an asshole like you make him out to be. And Renjun’s not entirely perfect either, you know? He’s probably just as guilty as Jaemin half the time.” Jeno shrugged, shifting his body, so his legs hung out the bunk before sliding out. 

“I just know you’re better for Renjun than Jaemin is. And I think now is the best time to tell him about how you’re feeling. They’re on the brink of breaking up, and you should make your move.”

“I actually think that makes it the  _ worst _ time I could possibly ever admit my feelings for him.” Jeno punched Yangyang’s shoulder lightly, nodding his head towards the front of the bus. Yangyang immediately took the cue, turning his body to the side to let Jeno walk past him in the narrow walk space of their bunk area.

There’s just a few feet between the front of the bus and the bunks, only a curtain separating the two sections. Jeno hesitated for just a moment, listening to hear the whisper shouts between Renjun and Jaemin, but there are no words. Only the soft sobs that Jeno unwillingly had learned to recognize as Renjun’s. The way Renjun would do his best to hold in his sobs, everything going quiet for just a second before he ultimately lets out another wave of tears because he can’t contain them. Soft sniffles and the sound of him blowing his nose just moments after. The sharp breaths he’d take in through his cries.

It made Jeno freeze, contemplating whether he should walk out and past Renjun so he could go for his smoke or retreat to his bunk and save it for later. The quiet cries made Jeno’s heart ache, and not just because of the strong feelings he harbored for him, but also simply because Renjun was someone Jeno kept close to his heart. Jeno’s heart would’ve ached the same if it had been Jisung or Yangyang wailing instead.

His brain finally decided as he pushed the brown curtain aside, walking into the tiny dining and living area that resided in the front part of the bus. Jeno could see the way Renjun quickly tried to compose himself as he heard the curtain slide against the pole, bringing the sleeve of his shirt up to his face so he could wipe away his tears.

There’s no sign of Jaemin. His jacket that’s usually thrown astray on the small couch is gone, and Jeno can only assume Jaemin had walked out at some point during his and Yangyang’s conversation.

“Renjun,” Jeno’s voice was gentle as he reached out for the lighter on the table Renjun’s sat at. “Let’s get some air.” He nodded his head towards the door, watching as Renjun slowly looked up at him with glassy eyes.

“Okay.” Renjun croaked out, his voice weak. He’s quick to clear his throat afterward, pushing himself out of the small booth and grabbing his jacket. 

It’s silent between them for just a couple of seconds after they stepped out into the cold. The asphalt was wet from the melted snow, and Jeno lingered his hand around the fire of his lighter for just a couple of seconds after he lit his cigarette. The sounds of Renjun’s sniffles were still loud above the sounds of the city they’re in, though Jeno wasn’t sure if they’re residual from the crying he was just doing or if they’re due to the freezing temperatures. Probably a mixture of the two.

“What happened this time?” Jeno finally spoke up, puffing out the smoke he’d been inhaling. Jeno doesn’t bother to ask Renjun how he’s feeling. There’s no point in asking a question they both knew the answer to.

“Jaemin’s mad at me,” Renjun sniffled. Jeno caught sight of Renjun wiping his cheeks again. “We got into a fight last night after the show because he wanted me to come back to the bus right after so we could get dinner and have some alone time together or whatever. But I wanted to stay back and meet a couple of fans outside the venue like we  _ always _ do after shows. And I told Jaemin that when I asked him to come on tour with us, and he said he was fine with it. I guess he didn’t mean it because he was  _ pissed _ , telling me that I couldn’t skip out one time so I could spend time with him, and he felt like he wasn’t a priority in my life. I promised him the next time we had a day off, we could spend it doing whatever he wanted, but he wasn’t having any of it.” Renjun’s words dwindled off into another fit of tears, and his arms instinctively went to wrap around Jeno’s waist, pushing his face against Jeno’s shoulder. 

Jeno let go of his cigarette, letting it fall to the asphalt in favor of wrapping his arms around Renjun in a tight hug. His hands rubbed at Renjun’s back, encouraging him to let out all the tears pent up in his body.

“I thought maybe the fact that we’re sometimes long distance is what was getting to us. Maybe we’ve been traveling too much, and we just missed each other, and it just became too much. I thought bringing him on tour with us would fix things, and we’d go back to normal, but things have only been getting  _ worse. _ I don’t know how much longer Jaemin can take it. I don’t know how much longer  _ I _ can take it.” Renjun’s sobs were muffled by the cloth of Jeno’s hoodie, making his words nearly incomprehensible. Jeno could barely string his words together, but he’s gotten used to the sound of Renjun’s sobs and having to piece his sentences together like a puzzle he’s done over and over. Similar to a mother knowing what their child needs through their babbles or a pet owner knowing what their pet is requesting due to the sound of their cries. 

Jeno’s found himself comforting the love of his life over his sorrows of a man that isn’t him far too many times. Maybe Yangyang is right. It is perhaps pathetic that Jeno puts himself through the pain of comforting Renjun and offering him relationship advice so he and Jaemin can try to mend things. But at least it’s good songwriting material.

Jeno wondered if Renjun would’ve gone to him if things were different. If Jisung wasn’t related to Jaemin and didn’t feel as uncomfortable listening to them fight as a result. If Renjun would go to him instead, crying all his tears before challenging Jisung to a game of Mario Kart in the small lounge area at the back of the bus. Or if Yangyang didn’t hate Jaemin as much, didn’t shift all the blame onto him, and didn’t blatantly talk shit about Jaemin in front of Renjun’s face. Would Renjun feel comfortable going to him instead? Asking Yangyang for advice, and Yangyang giving it to Renjun with sincere empathy dripping from his voice before asking if he wanted to go for a walk around whatever city they were in.

Did Renjun only go to Jeno not because he necessarily wanted to, but because Jeno was the only one who seemed to listen? Did Renjun go to him because Jeno had somehow taken on somewhat of a leader position somewhere along the way in their careers? Or did he go to him because he truly trusted him, finding safety in comfort in the sound of Jeno’s words and the warmth of Jeno’s arms?

Jeno didn’t know. But whatever the answer was, Jeno still always found his way to Renjun, preparing his heart for the ache it would feel each time Renjun eventually thanked him and went off to find himself in Jaemin’s arms instead.

“Renjun,” Jeno sighed out. His arms tightened around Renjun’s figure, soaking in the heat his body brought that fought off the cold air surrounding them. “I don’t know what to tell you. But I think deep down, both you and Jaemin know what you want and need to do. Whether that’s staying together or ending things, but no one can make that decision besides you guys.”

Renjun’s sobbing intensified at Jeno’s words, his body rattling, arms clinging onto Jeno even tighter. He didn’t speak, but his reaction is all Jeno needed to figure out what Renjun was thinking. Jeno couldn’t find it within himself to be happy about it, even if it meant Renjun would finally be on the market again after nearly eight years. Not when Renjun had clearly been so distressed about the situation.

“Hey,” Jeno spoke, his hand patting at Renjun’s back through the material of his jacket. “Listen, there’s a diner just a couple of blocks away. Let’s get something to eat before we have to get ready for soundcheck. You can order whatever the fuck you want, and we can just walk around for a bit after so you can avoid the others for as long as you can. Sound good?”

Renjun sniffled, letting out a couple of more sobs before he nodded and backed away from Jeno. His cheeks were wet with tears, his eyes red and shiny. Sorrow still lingered in his expression, and Jeno wished he could do more to help.

“Let me wash my face really quick.” Renjun’s voice cracked, wiping his face with the back of his hand.

“Take your time,” Jeno told him, already reaching into his pocket to grab another cigarette. The last one had been cut short by Renjun’s sudden embrace. Jeno didn’t have the heart to be peeved off about it. “I’ll be waiting out here for you.”

Jeno would always be waiting for Renjun.

-

As the old phrase says, the show must go on.

Renjun was still upset. Jeno could see it in his eyes, even when Renjun’s smiling and bouncing on stage to the tune of their instruments. There’s a certain spark that’s missing from them, making his usually bright eyes seem like an empty void, dark, dead, even with the bright stage lights pointed at them.

Jeno could hear it in Renjun’s voice as he sang, a hidden sadness that lingers in the back of his throat that finds its way out, even on their most upbeat songs. There’s a slight crack in his voice when they get to a song Renjun wrote about Jaemin early on into their relationship. He quickly recovered, but it was loud against the small strumming of Jeno’s guitar. Jeno knew Renjun was embarrassed by it. He pretended he hadn’t noticed it when Renjun looked over at him with worry when the song finished.

Jeno could tell by the shuffle of Renjun’s feet and the half-assed laughs he’d give during their intermissions when the band would banter on stage. He could tell by the way Renjun’s eyes kept shifting backstage during their sets, looking for Jaemin, who was watching, waiting for them to finish up the show.

Jaemin’s eyes were just as sad and just as dark as Renjun’s. Jeno could see the bags under them even from several feet away.

The energy of the show didn’t feel on par with past shows they’ve done. He, Yangyang, and even Jisung did everything they could to compensate for the lack of energy from Renjun. He had still been jumping around, bobbing his head to songs, helping a couple of stage divers onto the stage, but there was still a noticeable difference. Jeno knew there’d be a couple of loyal fans who went to multiple dates on their tour who would ask about it later when they went out to meet people.

Renjun was the first to get off stage when the concert was over. He almost ran off, and Jeno only catches a glimpse of Jaemin struggling to keep up with Renjun as they sped walk down a hallway backstage. He could only vaguely hear Jaemin calling for Renjun before his voice fades off, and they walk out of view.

Jeno doesn’t follow them. He stuck with Yangyang and Jisung as they headed off to their designated dressing room. Yangyang does his best to bring their spirits up again, bouncing and shouting about the show. He managed to get Jisung to laugh, but Jeno’s eyebrows remain furrowed, worried about Renjun.

“He’ll be fine,” Yangyang whispered into Jeno’s ear when Jisung leaves to take a quick shower in the venue’s shower. He shoved a plate of pizza into Jeno’s hand, and Jeno had no choice but to take it. “Stop letting your feelings revolve around Renjun. We just played a kickass show, and I’m  _ not _ going to let you mope around just because Renjun and Jaemin are fighting, and you’re worried.”

Jeno knew Yangyang was right. He had to stop worrying so much about Renjun and letting his emotions reflect Renjun’s. Especially when they were probably at the peak of their careers and were playing shows in front of hundreds every night, but he couldn’t help it.

All Jeno gave Yangyang was a tight-lipped smile before taking a bite out of the lukewarm pizza he had handed him. Yangyang slapped his back and started walking back to the couch, where he threw his Switch down. 

“You can shower after Jisung gets out. Just be quick. We’ve got people waiting on us.” Yangyang told him.

Jeno does. It felt good to wash away that day’s events under the cold water blasting out the showerhead. Jeno just wished it could wash away the anxiety that filled his head.

Renjun doesn’t show up to meet fans after the show. It’s a rare occurrence. Unless they hadn’t been feeling well, they nearly always stayed outside the venue to meet people until the venue ultimately told them it was time to disperse. It was one of the joys that came with the job, being able to meet and thank the people who even got them to where they were. Becoming close with a couple of fans who had been there from the start, or had followed them along the tour, going to most, if not all, the stops. The night truly didn’t end until they had at least met a few fans after the show, draining the last of their pent-up show adrenaline on hugs and conversations and signatures with people who appreciated their music.

Several people asked about Renjun. Genuine concern in their voices as they asked if he was okay, and if there was anything wrong. Yangyang and Jisung told them Renjun was just not feeling all that well. Jeno could only give them a half-assed smile and tell them that Renjun would be okay.

Jeno just hoped he was right.


	2. Hate to See Your Heart Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeno could hear the sound of Renjun’s babbled pleas, telling Jaemin they can somehow make things work, and then Jaemin firmly telling him that they both knew the break up was inevitable and that their relationship had just gone too far past the point of return.

Renjun and Jaemin’s breakup isn’t a surprise to anyone.

It happened just a couple of days after their last fight. Things between them would usually mend for a couple of days before another major fight started. Jeno would catch them cuddling in the back lounge. Sometimes the three of them would hear the soft moans of Renjun and Jaemin coming from Renjun’s small bunk. They’d share kisses at the small dining area, hold hands as they walked off the tour bus to get to the venue. They’d still bicker, finding more minor things to argue about but quickly getting over it. To an unknowing eye, they’d seem like a typical, happy, healthy couple. The fans still loved them, praised their relationship, and only hoped they could find a love like theirs. 

Things never went back to normal. Things were eerily quiet between them. They hardly spoke to each other, at least from what Jeno knew, and the affection they used to share even after fights were no longer existent. Jeno wasn’t sure what happened when Renjun and Jaemin ran off after their last show. He just knew things weren’t okay between them.

They kiss, but their kisses were emotionless, bland. It was almost as if they hadn’t even really wanted to kiss but did it out of familiarity and routine. A scene Jeno became familiar with because of his parents throughout his childhood. Jaemin slept in his own bunk instead of finding a way to fit in Renjun’s with him like most nights. Renjun’s smiles were cold whenever a fan asked about Jaemin, unlike the bright ones he’d usually show whenever he got the opportunity to talk about Jaemin. It’s not fighting, but Jeno somehow thinks it’s worse.

Jeno could hear the way their voices start off quiet, trying to keep things civil and under control. Probably for the sake of the rest of the band, who were trapped in the confinements of their bus because they were on the road again to get to the next city they’d be playing in.

It was hard to miss their voices, even with the loud engine of their bus and the occasional honking of horns of the cars that surrounded them on the highway. Jeno couldn’t tell if it was because Jaemin and Renjun aren't as quiet as they thought they were or if his ears were too tuned in on their conversation.

Jeno could hear Jaemin bringing up the fact that things had been different recently, and Renjun agreed, both of their voices tired and weak. Jaemin told Renjun he isn’t sure how long he can keep dealing with the dynamic of their relationship. The fighting, the constant time apart, the attention that their relationship had because Renjun’s band is well-known in their scene. All issues that Jeno couldn’t blame Jaemin for being frustrated and sick of. Jeno could hear the first few tears that come out of Renjun.

Their voices slowly began to rise as their conversation continued. Jeno could imagine Jisung shoving his Airpods into his ears, turning on the soundproof feature of them so he could ignore them. He could imagine Yangyang rolling his eyes and texting his boyfriend that another fight is about to start. Jeno didn’t do anything. He remained still in his bunk, listening in as Jaemin’s tears began to slip into the conversation.

Jeno could hear the sound of Renjun’s babbled pleas, telling Jaemin they can somehow make things work, and then Jaemin firmly telling him that they both knew the break up was inevitable and that their relationship had just gone too far past the point of return. There was no hope for them, at least in that time of their lives. Jeno knew that deep down, Renjun agreed with Jaemin. It didn’t stop him from trying to come up with ways they could possibly mend things.

Jeno could feel a lump in his throat start to swell, and how hard it suddenly is to breathe. Jeno didn’t know it was possible to be so invested in someone else’s relationship, especially one where one part had been the love of his life. He couldn’t help but feel for the two, though. Jeno knew how hard the two desperately tried to make things work. How much they loved each other, despite their endless fighting. The pain in their voices made it hard to feel anything  _ but _ terrible for them. Jeno knew even Yangyang of all people would feel for them at that moment.

They never yelled. Neither of them were necessarily mad at each other, and if anything, they were mad at themselves. For disappointing the other, and for letting their relationship of so many years fail. Jeno could vividly remember the day Renjun announced that he and Jaemin were official. His smile was so bright, his voice giddy, the happiness of it all reaching his eyes and making them sparkle. Jeno could remember the endless love songs Renjun wrote and then showed the rest of the band that were obviously about Jaemin. He could remember the tears Renjun shed on their first tour after he and Jaemin started dating because Renjun missed Jaemin so much. 

Jeno could remember the both of them falling in love quick, and falling in love hard. Jaemin would always sit in the corner of the garage, watching as they practiced as he studied because he was the only one their age who decided to go off to college. Renjun was the happiest Jeno’s ever seen him since he joined the band, and Jeno can’t deny the joy and light Jaemin brought into Renjun’s life. The honeymoon stage of their relationship seemed to last forever, constantly looking at each other with immense fondness as they spoke as if they had just started dating. The small loving exchanges of random cheek kisses. The random flowers that would be delivered to their hotel rooms when they were going to be stuck in the same city for a few days.

Jeno could hear Jaemin walking towards the bunks, and then the wheels of a suitcase rolling back down the narrow hallway. By the sounds of Renjun’s cries, Jeno could only assume that Jaemin was packing his things, and planning to leave as soon as they stopped in their next city.

Jeno didn’t open his curtain to see what’s going on, or to see if his assumptions were right. He just looked up at the bottom of Jisung’s bunk, letting a tear stray from the corner of his eye.

He tried to drown out their noises by shoving his headphones into his ears and blasting the volume of the first album he saw and tapped on. It worked, he couldn’t hear their cries, only the loud guitars, and drums of the song flowing through his headphones, but the sounds of their sobs still plagued his mind. They replayed in his head like the saddest lullaby Jeno’s ever had to fall asleep to.

-

It was quiet when Jeno woke up. Jeno hated it.

He isn’t used to quiet mornings. Quiet isn’t something that often when four, sometimes five, guys in their late twenties live together in a box on wheels. Mornings on their tour bus are chaotic and loud almost always; he and Yangyang fighting over who gets to shower first, Jisung getting frustrated in the back lounge because of some game he’s playing, Renjun yelling that he’d kill whoever ate the last of his cereal and drank the rest of his milk. The sounds of Renjun and Jaemin arguing join the list of noises they’d wake up to when Jaemin joined them on tour. Although the tour had only started about two weeks ago, Jeno thought it was what woke them up almost ninety percent of their mornings.

They used to joke that silence in the bus was a luxury. A couple of tours ago, Jeno would’ve paid anything for a couple of minutes of silence. Jeno wasn’t so sure about that now as he slid out of his bunk, and the somber air hit him in the face immediately. His hands slipped into the front pocket of his hoodie, fidgeting with the box of cigarettes he always carried with him. His fingers ached to wrap around one of the sticks to cure the anxiety that built up in his chest. A cancerous adult pacifier to stick in his mouth to calm his worries.

Something told him that Renjun was still in the front section of the bus, whether that being just some psychic intuition he had, or if Jeno had just gotten used to the sight of a depressed Renjun seated at the dining area, he doesn’t know.

Jeno didn’t know if anyone else was awake, or if they were hiding out in their bunks, unsure if it’s okay to step out. Renjun hadn’t told any of them that he and Jaemin broke up, but Jeno thinks everyone knows purely based on the atmosphere of the bus.

Jeno finally reached a hand out his pocket, gripping onto the curtain in front of him and pulling it aside, only to be greeted by the sight he thought he’d see. Jeno had been counting on his new psychic intuition to be wrong.

Renjun’s outfit was the same as the outfit he wore on stage the previous night. The worn neckline of his tank top exposing part of his chest, one of the straps hanging off his shoulder. His jeans were skin-tight, hugging onto his legs so snug that Jeno was concerned that they could’ve cut off his circulation. Jeno couldn’t imagine how uncomfortable it must’ve been and how freezing Renjun’s skin was.  The eyeliner he wore on stage was smudged around his eyes, presumably from rubbing at them so much in an attempt to wipe his tears away. His hair greasy, messy, the sweat from last night’s show still sticking on his skin because he didn’t bother to wash it all away.

Jeno had seen Renjun at several low points since he met him ten years ago. From being frustrated with their careers to grieving the loss of a family member to the days where sometimes the pressure of being in the spotlight was too much. But Jeno doesn’t think he’s ever seen Renjun in such a state of despair. Renjun lost a part of him when he lost Jaemin, and it’s clear as he sat numbly on the faux leather couch in the front area of their tour bus.

“Renjun,” Jeno gently called out. Renjun doesn’t look at him. He only sniffled and curled into himself further. Jeno figured Renjun has run out of tears to cry. His eyes were red, his face puffy. The tear tracks on his face remain, sketched onto his skin and waiting to be washed away.

“He left,” Renjun croaked out. Jeno could see Renjun’s fingers fidgeting with the loose strands of denim by a hole torn into his jeans. “He’s gone. We’re done.” Renjun let out a dry sob, his chest heaving as he tried to take in deep breaths.

Jeno didn’t reply with words. He stepped towards Renjun, his arms outstretched towards him, and when he finally got close enough, Renjun let himself fall into them. His hands gripped onto the hoodie Jeno was wearing, twisting the cloth in his fist as he buried his head into Jeno’s chest. All Jeno felt like he could do was rub at his back, keeping his arms tightly wound around Renjun as he listened to his shaky breaths.

Renjun’s skin was just as cold as Jeno thought it’d be. Even though the bus was heated, the cold from the winter weather outside managed to creep its way inside through even the smallest crevices. The thin tank top did nothing to help with keeping him warm.

“Why don’t you take a shower?” Jeno hummed, his hand rubbing up and down one of Renjun’s arms in hopes of warming him up a bit. “You’re cold, and you might feel a little better after you take one. You’d be the first one in, the water’s probably decently warm still.”

“Are you telling me I smell?” It’s a weak attempt at a joke. Jeno took it as Renjun not wanting to talk about Jaemin anymore at the moment. He couldn’t exactly blame him, knowing that Renjun was up all night thinking about Jaemin and his brain probably finally had enough.

“You smell like last night’s show and cigarettes. I don’t think the people of Baltimore would really appreciate that stench.”

Jeno could hear the short laugh Renjun let out as he pulled his face away from his chest. He wiped his cheeks with the back of his hand before nodding. “Okay. I’ll go.” Renjun sniffled. He stood up from the couch, stumbling just a bit as he did. His legs must’ve been sore from curling in on himself while wearing such tight jeans.

“And if you’re up for it, I can ask Jisung and Yangyang if they wanna go out for breakfast. All four of us. We haven’t done that in a while.” Jeno said, his hands reaching into his pocket again to pull one of the cigarettes out of its box. He placed the stick behind his ear, listening for Renjun’s response.

“That would be nice. Yeah. But I’m sure Jisung’s probably still asleep or something. It’s still pretty early.” Renjun’s voice was raspy, a result of all the crying. Jeno knew that after breakfast he’d probably go on a small vocal rest until soundcheck to let his vocal cords recover just a bit.

“I’ll get him up.” Jeno stood up, grabbing his light from the small kitchen counter. “I’ll make sure everyone’s up and at least  _ almost _ ready to head out by the time you get out the shower.”

Renjun gave him a tight-lipped smile, nodding once more as he swallowed. “Thank you, Jeno.”

Jeno wanted to tell Renjun that there was no need to thank him. Jeno would give Renjun the world if he could, and gathering the others so they could have breakfast together was nothing in comparison. And even though he knew the two of them were sick of Renjun and Jaemin’s arguments, they still cared for Renjun, and to see him in such a state of despair would hurt any of them just as much as it hurt Jeno.

“Don’t worry about it.” Jeno returned the smile Renjun gave him before slipping a random pair of sneakers onto his feet. Jeno doesn’t know who they belonged to; he just knew they weren’t his. He just needed something to slip on so he could step out for his smoke. “Take all the time you need to. We’ve got time until we need to head to soundcheck.”

-

Jeno didn’t need to tell Yangyang and Jisung that Renjun and Jaemin broke up and that Jaemin had left. Both of them knew through merely connecting the dots of the somber atmosphere on the bus and the lack of Jaemin’s presence.

“Jaemin woke me up this morning to say goodbye,” Jisung said, his voice low. None of them wanted Renjun to know what they were talking about. “He didn’t tell me they broke up, but I think he knew I knew what happened.”

“At least we don’t have to listen to them arguing anymore.” Yangyang shrugged. “It’s better that they’re done now. And I’m not just saying that because I think your brother’s an asshole. Renjun’s gonna be sad as shit for the next couple of days, but he’ll slowly get over it. I think that’s better than having him cry every night for the rest of the tour because he and Jaemin got into  _ another _ fight. It was only gonna get worse the longer they stayed together.”

Jeno hated to admit that Yangyang was somewhat right. Renjun and Jaemin had already been getting into huge fights over such petty actions, and exploding over such small things. Their fighting was only going to get worse if they prolonged things. They would’ve ended up despising one another if they didn’t end things where they did.

“Just don’t bring him up when we go out and don’t make shit awkward. I know Renjun’s probably gonna want some sense of normalcy already so he can get over everything.” Jeno sighed, leaning back against the couch. The shower’s water was still running, and three of them were just waiting on Renjun to get out so they could head to some breakfast place they found with a quick Google search.

“I’ve got no problem with that,” Yangyang hummed. “But, hey, at least we’re gonna get some kickass songs from their breakup.” 

Jeno reached over and pinched Yangyang’s leg, drawing a yelp from him. “You know it’s true!”

-

Renjun doesn’t magically get better overnight, and none of them really expect him to.

Renjun’s relationship with Jaemin wasn’t just some fling that only lasted a month or two. They were together for years. They lived together, their families met and knew each other, they talked about their future together. They’re in their late twenties, and Jeno knows that marriage was probably brought up at one point between each other. Things between them were serious, and the love they shared was genuine. Even if Jeno was in love with Renjun, Jeno would’ve been happy seeing Renjun marrying someone that made him truly happy, and that truly did love him.

So they expected the quiet sobs coming from Renjun’s bunk at night. They expected Renjun’s loss of energy on stage. They expected the couple of tears that fall when they get to a song on the setlist that was written about Jaemin and then having to change the setlist a bit. None of them are mad at him for being so upset.

They all do their best to help, trying to comfort Renjun in a way that seemed natural. They knew Renjun wanted normalcy, and grand gestures were anything but that. Jisung let Renjun cling onto him as he played some game in the back lounge. He tried explaining how to play to Renjun, but Renjun quickly gave up after a round and said that he just wants to watch. Jisung just let him, and they fall into a comfortable silence.

Yangyang bickered with Renjun. It’s a form of affection for them. They get into fake arguments over Yangyang stealing one of Renjun’s hoodies, or Renjun eating the snacks that Yangyang had saved in one of their cabinets. But they still find themselves bonding at the end of the day, going through a list of movies one of them found on Twitter and vowed to watch at least one every night while they’re on tour. Jeno and Jisung had to listen to the two making obscure references to each other that no one but them really understood.

Jeno knew Renjun was most dependent on him. It was obvious in the way he stuck by Jeno’s side most of the time when they had gone out or the way he went to Jeno first when he needed someone to talk to. Jeno thought it was probably because he had been there the most when Renjun and Jaemin were fighting, and probably could provide the best support out of the three of them. He didn’t mind, though. Being part of the reason why one of Renjun’s rare smiles came out every once in a while is enough for Jeno to want to keep being there for him.

They also respected when Renjun wanted to be alone. It was usually when Renjun had put on the mint green hoodie Jaemin had accidentally left behind, and he’d wallow away in a corner of the bus. He’d hold the neckline of the hoodie to his nose, breathing in whatever scent of Jaemin that still lingered on it. There were a couple of times where Jeno would find Renjun scrolling through Jaemin’s social media. His eyes brimmed with tears as he stared at some selfie Jaemin had posted with a couple of their hometown friends, a few tears escaping and falling onto the screen when he scrolled through the comments and saw confused fans asking why Jaemin went home so early on into the tour.

Jeno tried to snap him out of it before Renjun fell too deep. Asking him random questions he definitely knew the answer to or didn’t even need help with. It’s enough for Renjun to come to, blinking back his tears as he processed the question and then answered. He didn’t bother looking back down at his phone again when he’s done. Jeno thought Renjun was starting to catch on to his little trick, but even if he did, he still answers every time.

-

“Jeno.”

Renjun’s voice rang in his ears, and Jeno was quick to whip his head around to see Renjun standing just in front of the curtain that separated the front area of the bus from the bunks. He was wearing the familiar mint hoodie that they’ve all grown to recognize, and Jeno wondered how long Renjun could go before giving in and throwing it in the wash the next time they do laundry.

Jeno didn’t get the chance to respond before Renjun slide into the tiny booth with him by the table of their small dining area. Their shoulders were pressed against each other, just barely enough room for them to sit next to each other.

“I wrote a couple of things,” He spoke, revealing the small, beaten-up journal he had been hiding. Jeno recognized it immediately as Renjun’s songwriting journal, the one he'd seen Renjun scribbling into occasionally. The front cover was barely hanging on, covered in stickers he’d collected from the past couple of tours. “I know we’re not going to seriously talk about songs and album shit for another couple of months, but I just wanted to see what you think since you’re sort of the best songwriter out of all of us.”

Jeno wouldn’t say that. He probably did write the most out of all of them, and shivers when he thinks back on his lovesick afternoons where lyrics about Renjun would pour out of him at the peak of his infatuation with Renjun. But he wouldn’t say he was miles better than any of them or really had any room to let them know what they could improve on.

He watched as Renjun’s fingers flipped through the delicate pages filled with words and small doodles. Each page etched with a different writing utensil, grabbing whatever he could to get his ideas down fast before they vanished from his brain.

“They’re all about… _ you know _ .” Jeno could see Renjun swallowing the lump in his throat as his fingers stopped skimming through pages. Based on where he stopped, Jeno could tell he’s going to be in need of a new journal soon enough. “But I figured if I’m gonna be sad, I might as well do something with it.”

It’s another attempt at humor to mask the pang he was probably feeling in his chest. Jeno didn’t laugh, and instead, he placed his hand on his knee, giving it a gentle squeeze. “I’m sure they’re great.” He told him, a somber smile gracing his face. 

Reading someone’s lyric book is akin to reading someone’s diary. Jeno usually keeps his hidden under his pillow, only sharing the songs he wants to share, and keeping the rest to himself. Reading through someone’s lyric book exposes all sides to the one who held the pen—Sharing their most vulnerable moments. and revealing sides of someone no one would ever see otherwise. Whether that be uncovering the evil hidden away in the crevices of their brain or unveiling the anguish someone had been harboring for their entire lives. Going through someone’s lyric book without permission is an unwritten sin no one dares to commit.

For someone with so many vices—Smoking, drinking, and at some point during the early rise of their careers, substance abuse—Jeno still thought that holding Renjun’s journal, even with permission, felt like the worst sin he ever committed.

The first song was written in blue ink. A couple of the words bleeding due to water droplets that Jeno could only assume are tears. Renjun’s usually neat penmanship was forgotten, his letters shaky, and his words falling off the lines provided in the journal. It’s a sad song, Jeno could tell by the first few lines. He could hear Renjun’s pained voice singing the lyrics in his head, expressing the regret he feels, and his yearning for Jaemin. How he wished he had tried harder, and done things differently to save their relationship.

The next song was written in pencil. The pressure of the pencil is heavy on the paper, his words messy as if Renjun had been rushed. It’s full of anger, expressing how badly Renjun wished he had never met Jaemin in the first place, and if he could undo their relationship, he would. 

Jeno flipped the page and was met with yet another sad song. It somehow being more depressing than the first. The first two had felt incredibly personal, Jeno felt wrong for even reading them. But the one his eyes had been staring at hit even closer to home. There are even more tears on the page, smudging the black ink. It’s all about Renjun’s insecurities and blaming himself for the breakup. He doesn’t know what to do now that Jaemin is gone, how he feels alone and doesn’t know what to do now that he lost the best part of him.

The song next to it was written in red. It’s the only song so far that felt hopeful. The lyrics were all about how Renjun thought he and Jaemin will be okay. He couldn't wait to get back home to fix things, and that things would go back to how they used to be. They’ve fought dozens of times before and he doesn’t think it’s the end of the road for them and their relationship.

The last one sat by itself next to an empty page. It’s the shortest of them all, written in pen seemingly running out of ink. Renjun talked about how he hoped Jaemin finds happiness, even if it’s not with him. That perhaps sometimes you did have to let go of the things you loved in life in order to grow. Renjun accepted that Jaemin is no longer his, even if it was painful to admit still.

The five stages of grief all written down for Jeno to read. Jeno had to swallow the lump in his throat, exhaling the breath he had been holding in for so long.

“What do you think?” Renjun spoke, his voice quiet, anxious. A hand slid up Jeno’s forearm, creeping up to one of the hands holding onto the book. Jeno let him take it back and watched as Renjun immediately held the book close to his chest.

“They’re really good,” Jeno finally said. “I think they might be some of the best you’ve ever written.” Jeno means it. Renjun’s an artist through and through—With his voice, with his art, with his words. He’s well-spoken and usually takes the lead whenever they have to sit through interviews. It’s no wonder his beautiful words translate into beautiful lyrics. 

“Really?” Renjun's eyes sparkled at the compliment. Jeno wished he could coo, his heart swelling at the sight, but he pushed the urge down as he nodded in response.

“I’ve always told you you’re really talented. I never stopped believing it.” 

It went silent for a couple of seconds. Their bus is still, parked behind the venue they would be playing at that night. Jisung and Yangyang had decided they wanted to go out and pick up a couple of things they had to stock up on before they hit the road again, leaving Jeno and Renjun by themselves.

“Renjun?” Jeno finally spoke up. Renjun only answered with a small hum, and Jeno swore he could feel Renjun shift closer to him somehow.

“You know I care about you, right?” The confession is sudden. Jeno could tell Renjun was slightly taken aback by it. “I love you a lot. I’m sorry if I haven’t done a good job in comforting you recently after everything happened, but I just needed you to know that I would do anything to make sure you’re alright. I’m always here for you. If you just need to cry or want to get drunk, need company, or whatever. I care about you.”

Jeno could hear the sound of Renjun’s journal hitting the table, and the feeling of Renjun’s arms slipping around his waist. Jeno didn’t hesitate in hugging back, no matter how awkward or uncomfortable their positioning made it.

“You’ve done more than I could’ve ever asked for, Jeno,” Renjun whispered. “Even before Jaemin and I broke up, you were always there for me, even when I’m sure our fighting annoyed you just as much as it annoyed Yangyang and Jisung. I can’t thank you enough. I hope you know how grateful I am to have you in my life.”

Jeno didn’t respond. He soaked in Renjun’s warm embrace, ignoring the ache in his side from their awkward positioning. Jaemin’s cologne was long gone from the hoodie, Renjun’s scent completely taking over.

Renjun wasn’t over Jaemin. But his heart was beginning to accept that he’d eventually be okay without him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have thre hamsterdance songstuck in my head help me
> 
> comments r appreciated!

**Author's Note:**

> *shaking* pls,,,s,fofplease nbe nice
> 
> my twitter so u can see me being stupid<3  
> [writing twt](https://twitter.com/jiwisung)
> 
> my cc in case u would like to maybe send a message<3  
> [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/jiwisung)
> 
> and comments make me HAPPY!!!<33 mwah


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